Repository path: workshop/translations/hafez-boro/R59-MONO-v1/translation.md · rendered 2026-09-09
Page metadata (front matter)
| type | translation |
|---|---|
| id | T-hafez-boro-R59-MONO-v1 |
| status | frozen |
| created | 2026-09-02 |
| updated | 2026-09-02 |
| translated-by | lead |
| contamination | none |
| senses | accuracy, style-correspondence |
| links | workshop/translations/hafez-boro/source-ganjoor-sh35.txt, workshop/regimes/R59-rhyme-clause-alone.md, workshop/translations/hafez-boro/R59-PLAIN-v1/translation.md, wiki/arms/ARM-rhyme-family.md, wiki/findings/results/RS-20260830b-rhyme-family.md |
T-hafez-boro-R59-MONO-v1 — Hafez غزل ۳۵ whole, monorhymed
Source: Hafez, غزل شمارهٔ ۳۵, Ganjoor /hafez/ghazal/sh35, poem id 2164, seven bayts,
qāfiya in ‑ād fused with the copula ‑ast (فریادست، افتادست، نگشادست، بادست، آزادست،
آبادست، دادست، یادست), no separate radif. Eight rhyming positions: both hemistichs of bayt 1 and
the second hemistich of bayts 2–7. Text file: ../source-ganjoor-sh35.txt.
Regime: R59, the MONO arm. Binding: L-LINE (one English line per Persian hemistich,
source order, nothing merged or moved between lines); the monorhyme at all eight rhyming positions,
no rhyme word twice; no metre clause. Written first, before PLAIN.
How this poem was selected. Mechanically, from the 173 Hafez ghazals matched to Payne 1901 at
S236 (runs/RS-20260831b-radif-hands/match_accepted.json), excluding Leaf's twenty-eight and the
twelve S234 candidates, keeping those of 7–9 bayts whose rhyming hemistichs all end on different
words (i.e. no radif), in ascending slug order. That rule returned sh20 first and sh35 second.
sh20 was discarded because the selection script printed Payne's rendering of it to the
terminal — the lead was primed, which workshop/translations/README.md forbids — and the rule
was amended in writing to the first unprimed candidate. No English of sh35 was opened before
this log was frozen.
Contamination: none, measured after the freeze — see ../dependence-note.md.
Cost: $0. Lead translation, charter §3 / A4; not ledgered.
The rendering
Go to your own work, preacher; what is this cry? My heart has fallen from the way — and you, what has gone awry?
Her waist, that God created out of nothing, is a fine point that no creature ever made could untie.
Until her lip bring me to my desire as it does the reed, the whole world's counsel in my ear blows by.
The beggar of your street wants nothing of the eight paradises; the captive of your love from both the worlds goes free thereby.
Though the drunkenness of love has laid me in ruin, still out of that ruin the ground of my being stands high.
Heart, do not moan at the beloved's injustice and violence; for the friend dealt you just this for portion, and that same justice does this justify.
Go, tell no tale and breathe no spell, Hafez; for of this fable and this spell great store of memory have I.
Translator's log
Frozen 2026-09-02, before the study limb of this session existed as a written design. Decisions
and alternatives, not quality claims. Any evaluative sentence carries internal-judgment-only.
A. The rhyme family, enumerated before the first line (R59 §5)
The eight rhyme-position senses, read off the Persian: outcry (فریاد), has befallen (افتاد), has not unloosed / untied / solved (نگشاد), wind (باد), free (آزاد), flourishing, built up (آباد), justice, giving (داد), memory (یاد).
| family | what it looked able to hold | why not / why |
|---|---|---|
| /-eər/ air, care, prayer, snare, repair, despair | air for wind, repair for آباد | nothing for outcry, free, untie, memory; four of eight looked stranded |
| /-əʊn/ groan, blown, known, grown, own, alone | groan for outcry, blown for wind, grown for آباد | free only as "his own", untie only as "known"; the second bayt's untying pun would be lost |
| /-iː/ free, plea, decree, memory, thee, be | free and memory exactly | free would have to serve twice (forbidden by §4); outcry only as plea, which is the wrong register for a preacher's hectoring |
| /-aɪ/ cry, awry, untie, by, high, thereby, justify, I | chosen | it takes outcry → cry and has not unloosed → untie as the ordinary English words, which is what decided it; and it is large enough to supply eight distinct words |
Chosen on the ground stated in the last row and no other. I did not count, then or now, how many of the eight senses the family would seat at the rhyme.
B. What each line did, hemistich by hemistich
Persian line-final word first, then what the English line does with it.
| # | Persian line-final | literal | where it went in this arm | given up |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1a | فریادست | is (this) outcry | at the rhyme: cry | nothing |
| 1b | افتادست | has befallen (you) | at the rhyme: awry | the figure — Persian repeats فتاد/افتادست, "my heart fell … what has befallen you"; English fallen … awry breaks the echo. Befallen would have kept it and does not rhyme |
| 2a | هیچ | nothing | at the line end: nothing | — (unconstrained line) |
| 2b | نگشادست | has not unloosed / untied / solved | at the rhyme: untie | the tense: نگشادست is a perfect ("no creature has ever untied"); could untie makes it modal. Untied keeps the tense and does not rhyme |
| 3a | نای | reed(-flute) | at the line end: reed | — (unconstrained line) |
| 3b | بادست | is wind | not at the rhyme: the noun wind is gone; the verb blows carries it at one word from the end, by takes the rhyme | the noun. "…is wind in my ear" was the first draft and would not rhyme in this family |
| 4a | مستغنیست | is free of need | wants nothing … of the eight paradises; the sense is at the head of the line, not the end | — (unconstrained line). English will not put "is without need of" last without inversion |
| 4b | آزادست | is free | not at the rhyme: free sits two words from the end, thereby takes the rhyme | the position, and with it the اسیر/آزاد (captive/free) antithesis' snap, which in Persian lands on the last word |
| 5a | ولی | but, yet | still, at the line end | — (unconstrained line); a function word in Persian too |
| 5b | آبادست | is flourishing, built up, cultivated | at the rhyme, partly: stands high — high is a narrower word than آباد, which means inhabited and thriving, not tall | the breadth of آباد, and the خراب/آباد (ruined/built) pairing is weaker in ruin … stands high than in ruin … built up |
| 6a | یار | the friend, the beloved | at the line end: the friend — the Persian's hinge, یار repeated at the line end, is kept | — (unconstrained line) |
| 6b | دادست | is justice, is (her) giving | not at the rhyme: justice sits four words from the end; justify, at the rhyme, carries it again in verb form | the plainness. The Persian pivots بیداد → داد, one word to its own negation; injustice … justice … justify needs three |
| 7a | حافظ | Hafez | at the line end: Hafez | — (unconstrained line) |
| 7b | یادست | is memory, is remembered | not at the rhyme: memory sits two words from the end, I takes the rhyme, bought with the inversion have I | plain word order |
C. The count the log will stand on
Of the eight rhyme-position senses, this arm seated four at the rhyme word itself (1a cry, 1b awry, 2b untie, 5b high, the last of them only partly) and displaced four (3b, 4b, 6b, 7b), every displaced one landing between one and four words to the left. Of the six unconstrained line-ends, five kept the Persian's own line-final sense at the English line's end (2a, 3a, 5a, 6a, 7a) and one did not (4a).
That is the hand's own arithmetic, written before any instrument was pointed at either arm, and it
is a claim about placement, not about quality. internal-judgment-only.
D. What the rhyme cost that is not positional
Three things, none of them a matter of where a word sits.
- A repeated syllable in the rhyme. by (3b) and thereby (4b) are different words, so §4's
ban on repeating the rhyme word is not breached, but the chime is duller than a Persian audience
would tolerate. In the
-aɪfamily I could not do better without dropping a sense. - One inversion bought purely by the rhyme — great store of memory have I (7b). Inversion is
the tax
ARM-inversion-pricemeasured on other material; here it is the price of the last rhyme. - Two verbs made modal or periphrastic — could untie (2b), does this justify (6b) — both to put a rhyming syllable last.
E. What was not hard
The unconstrained hemistichs (2a, 3a, 5a, 6a, 7a) took one draft each. The whole of the difficulty
in this arm sits on the eight rhyming positions, and within them on the four where the family had no
word: بادست، آزادست، دادست، یادست — wind, free, justice, memory. Every one of those four is a
plain noun for which English has an unrhymable plain word. internal-judgment-only.