Repository path: workshop/translations/hafez-shahed/R60-v1/translation.md · rendered 2026-09-09

«حافظ» غزل ۱۵ rendered whole under R60, in a declared plain register

Source: Ganjoor's Hafez (Qazvini–Ghani), /hafez/ghazal/sh15, fetched 2026-09-03; the Persian, the eleven rhyming positions and the frozen selection rule are in ../source.md.

Regime: R60 — the line end with nothing to carry, and every line end recorded.

Register declared before the first English line: plain modern English. No thou/thee/thy, no -eth/-est, no hath/doth, no auxiliary do inserted for metre, no lexis a present-day reader would place before 1900. This is the same declaration as T-hafez-daasht-R58-v1, and it is the same hand, which is the whole point of the pair.

Cost: $0 — the lead's own hand, not ledgered (charter §3, A4).

Contamination: declared unmeasured-at-freeze at the moment of freezing and measured immediately afterwards in ../dependence-note.md, before Payne's ode 90 or any other English of this ghazal was opened. The front matter is updated there and only there. A contamination: declaration without a measurement is a placeholder (CLAUDE.md), and this one says openly that it is one until the note exists.

This is not an independent second opinion of anything (CLAUDE.md, the contamination rule), and under R60's declared weakness it is less than R58's was: the hand knew what was about to be counted. See §5 of the log.

The rendering

Beauty out of the holy world — who is to untie your veil? Bird out of paradise — who is to bring you grain and water?

Sleep has gone from my eyes over this one scorching thought: whose arms became the lodging of your ease and your sleep?

You never ask after the dervish, and I am afraid you have no thought of pardon, no care for your reward.

That drowsy eye of yours waylaid the lovers' heart; it is plain from this manner that your wine is drunk.

The arrow you shot at my heart from a glance went wide. Now to see what your sound judgement will think of next.

Every moan and cry I made, you did not hear; it is plain, my beauty, that your threshold stands high.

The water's source is a long way from this desert. Take care the desert ghoul does not take you in with a mirage.

What rule will you travel by on the road of age, my heart? The days of your youth, in any case, were spent wrong.

Palace that lights the heart, lodging-place of good company: Lord, let the blight of the years never leave you a ruin.

Hafez is not a slave who runs away from his master. Make peace and come back — I am in ruins from your reproach.

Translator's log

Frozen 2026-09-03, before any published English of this ghazal was opened, before any seat of the study limb was dispatched, and before the study limb's fresh gold set was coded. Decisions and alternatives, not quality claims. Any evaluative sentence carries internal-judgment-only, and the lead does not judge this rendering.

1. What the poem gives a translator, and what it does not

The rhyme is rich: eleven Arabic-derived nouns in ‑āb carrying the enclitic ـت — your veil, your water, your sleep, your reward, your wine, your judgement, your threshold, you (with a mirage), your youth, your ruin, your reproach. آب (water) sits literally inside نقاب (veil) at the maṭlaʿ, which is the joke the opening couplet turns on.

Nothing has to stand last. There is no radif. Where T-hafez-daasht-R58-v1 had one English word (had) that was obliged to end nine lines, this poem obliges nothing at all, and the only pull on the line end is the chime.

2. The chime: options enumerated, and refused at eleven of eleven

The English senses that would have to rhyme are veil · water · sleep · reward · wine · judgement · threshold · mirage · youth · ruin · reproach.

Chime: REFUSED at 11 of 11. The ‑āb family is a loan family with no English counterpart at these senses, and an eleven-fold monorhyme under a rule forbidding installed words was not reachable. Recorded as a fact about this poem, not as a general claim.

A note about R60 §2 itself. For an eleven-position monorhyme in a declared plain register the chime clause is close to vacuous — the enumeration above could have been written before the poem was read. The clause earns its place only on a shorter poem or a commoner rhyme family, and the regime page should say so.

3. Where the rhyme word went instead — the finding this poem produced by accident

At seven of the eleven rhyming positions the English line ends on the qāfiya's own sense word without any disturbance of order: veil (1a), water (1b), sleep (2b), reward (3b), mirage (7b), ruin (9b), reproach (10b).

At the other four it does not, and the reason is the same in all four: Persian puts the rhyme noun last where English puts a predicate last.

Under the declared register the hand declined all four, and the rhyme word moved inward instead. This is RS-20260902-rhyme-slot §7.49's finding arriving from the other side: there, a fixed rhyme was shown to cost the English line-end slot; here, keeping the source's rhyme word in the slot would itself have cost an inversion, and a plain register would not pay it. internal-judgment-only — no claim is made that a reader would notice either way.

4. The order record — every line end, R60 §4

The definition is the study limb's, verbatim: find the finite verb of the clause the last word belongs to; say what role it plays; ask whether ordinary modern English prose, same words and none added, would still leave it last. ENJ marks a line whose last word belongs to a clause that continues into the next line (R60 §6) — a flag, not a code.

The one inversion is 6a, «هر ناله و فریاد که کردم نشنیدی», where the Persian itself fronts the object — every moan and cry that I made — before the verb, and modern English topicalisation carries that fronting without archaism or do-support inserted for metre. It is LOCAL: nothing else in the line left its ordinary place.

5. The declared weakness, stated before any count is reported

The hand knew the question. R58's log at S237 was frozen before the study limb that used it existed; this one was not. R60 was written for ARM-line-end-order, whose question — is the inversion a local purchase or a line-grammar? — was on the page before the first English line of this poem. A hand that knows it is about to be counted for inversions may write fewer of them.

Three things are done about it and none of them repairs it:

1. It is declared here, in the frozen log, before the count is read out.
2. The same lines are coded blind by purchased seats who see one couplet with one line marked, no hand, no poem, no rule and no prediction — which removes coder bias, not writer bias.
3. The comparison poem is T-hafez-daasht-R58-v1, whose log was frozen before any of this existed, so the side of the contrast that is under an obligation is unbiased and the side that is free is not. The bias, if it acted, acted to widen the contrast, and the contrast is therefore an upper bound and is reported as one.

Sixteen and twenty line ends across two poems is an existence record, not a rate, and no sentence in the result page may treat it as one.